Finding Hope.

Its been almost a year since I've been divorced from the love of my life, it will be in November anyway.  These past few years have been a walking nightmare.  I wish I could say that I did it all with Grace and Wisdom.  That I could say I have no regrets.  But that would be a lie.  I do know that I gave it my everything, I tried to save it by love, I forgave, turned the other cheek, made amends, gently tried to bring him back to the love we started with.  That didn't work.  I tried with fighting, I yelled, screaming profanities, called him names, pushed him, choked him, threw things around the house, broke things, trying to get him to wake up.  That didn't work.  I tried counseling, I went for 6 months, he showed up twice, both times I was so hurt and angry, I wouldn't work through anything. I was my own enemy there.  That didn't work.  I soon lost trust  in him, and doing crazy things like checking his phone, driving around town looking for his truck.  He became better at hiding.  That didn't work.  I divorced him finally, having lost me, he would see how much he loved me.  He did come back, he said everything I needed and wanted to hear.  He went back to doing the things that were not family friendly.  That didn't work.  I now know that the man I knew, so completely, has changed.  He has been a stranger in my midst for years, and I couldn't keep him.  I certainly couldn't help him.  For the majority of my life, I wanted him.  Being a little girl chasing down that handsome older boy, I was always smitten.  Who knew things would turn out this way.  I wish I could say that I wish him all the happiness in the world, but I'm not there yet in my recovery.  I still want him alive, I would like him to understand the loss he's delivered to his family.  That we no longer have the man in our house leading us.  That as a family, we were great.  The children and I are still great, but I have big shoes to fill, and I don't always do it so well on my own.  In all that history, I lost hope.  I even told my Pastor that hope was useless, you can hope all you want, but it leads to disappointment.
Almost a year later, I see that I will be fine, I will make amends... eventually.  I thank God for the people He has put in my life to help me cope, for my Al Anon group, my church, my Kyuki Do family, and most often I thank Him for my wonderful children.  My hope, my future is with them.

I DON'T WANNA!

I was moving on my daily routines when I heard it, how could I not, he was screaming and crying at the same time.  NOOO, I DON'T WANNA!  I looked in the child's direction, everyone was, I decided he wasn't in any real danger.  His mother was just doing her job, she was encouraging her small boy of about 2 to 3 years old to walk on his own down the hall to the doctors office.  Not really a crime, but evidently it was a heart breaking decision in her toddlers eyes. He was scared and wanted to be carried. He kept grabbing at her legs, and screaming.  She patiently kept walking, kept talking calmly to him, letting him know that he could, in fact, use his strong capable legs to move his little body without her. He was persistent, I'll give him that.  But.... she was too.  Gently, but firmly guiding her son to do it on his own.  

After I seen this episode, I was proud of her.  Then I had an AH-HA moment!

We the children of God often act like the toddler, we fear the the unknown. To subdue the fear, we want to be carried by God though it. We pray,  bargain, and beg the Lord to bring us through our trials, and tribulations.  These things He has designed to strengthen our souls, and our relationship with Him.  We, like the toddler, cry and fight having to do this on our own.  

Again we, like the toddler, would have gotten to the destination sooner if we didn't fight it.  We will get to the destination whether we want to or not, and we waste a lot of time and energy by not trusting the Lord.

The Lord, like the mother, is determined to make us walk it on our own.  So that we may learn and grow strong by doing it ourselves.  Facing the fear and finding that when we trust Him, we find that the path was not as dangerous as we imagined, and the Lord will protect and guide us... just like the mother helping her son down the hall.

Praise Be to God!

Smiling Hearts

My hubby bought a snowmobile early last summer.  The motor was blown up.  I remember looking at it thinking that it will never get fixed.  It sat and sat, never got touched until a month ago.  We worked together to find a mechanic who would do the work for us.  This man was great, he was knowagable, and seemed trustworthy.  We could not have been happier with this gentleman!  My hubby and I picked up our new snowmobile last night, and went for the maiden voyage.  What a joy to see the dimples on my honeys cheeks, he smiled and laughed like a kid.  It was my 2nd time ever on one of these snow machines, and I will definately put this out there as a great memory.  We started out slow, made our way across the field, and found some snow drifts, he bumped us along the fence line, trying to jump the machine.  I was in heaven!When we went home, he took each kid for a ride, and all came back excited as us.  Our 7 year old girl was definately the thrill seeker, begging to go for a second ride.  I was coaxed into bringing her out.  We blazed the perimeter of the field at a whopping 20 miles an hour, but it sure felt faster!  When we got back, my Evil Knievel husband took me out for one last ride, went went off a hill that sent us into the air!  I screamed and he laughed,  turned and looked at me and laughed some more.  "O.K, maybe we won't do that jump again", he said sheepishly, still grinning at me.  I laughed, and off we went into the night. 
I think I'm in love.