Finding Hope.

Its been almost a year since I've been divorced from the love of my life, it will be in November anyway.  These past few years have been a walking nightmare.  I wish I could say that I did it all with Grace and Wisdom.  That I could say I have no regrets.  But that would be a lie.  I do know that I gave it my everything, I tried to save it by love, I forgave, turned the other cheek, made amends, gently tried to bring him back to the love we started with.  That didn't work.  I tried with fighting, I yelled, screaming profanities, called him names, pushed him, choked him, threw things around the house, broke things, trying to get him to wake up.  That didn't work.  I tried counseling, I went for 6 months, he showed up twice, both times I was so hurt and angry, I wouldn't work through anything. I was my own enemy there.  That didn't work.  I soon lost trust  in him, and doing crazy things like checking his phone, driving around town looking for his truck.  He became better at hiding.  That didn't work.  I divorced him finally, having lost me, he would see how much he loved me.  He did come back, he said everything I needed and wanted to hear.  He went back to doing the things that were not family friendly.  That didn't work.  I now know that the man I knew, so completely, has changed.  He has been a stranger in my midst for years, and I couldn't keep him.  I certainly couldn't help him.  For the majority of my life, I wanted him.  Being a little girl chasing down that handsome older boy, I was always smitten.  Who knew things would turn out this way.  I wish I could say that I wish him all the happiness in the world, but I'm not there yet in my recovery.  I still want him alive, I would like him to understand the loss he's delivered to his family.  That we no longer have the man in our house leading us.  That as a family, we were great.  The children and I are still great, but I have big shoes to fill, and I don't always do it so well on my own.  In all that history, I lost hope.  I even told my Pastor that hope was useless, you can hope all you want, but it leads to disappointment.
Almost a year later, I see that I will be fine, I will make amends... eventually.  I thank God for the people He has put in my life to help me cope, for my Al Anon group, my church, my Kyuki Do family, and most often I thank Him for my wonderful children.  My hope, my future is with them.

I DON'T WANNA!

I was moving on my daily routines when I heard it, how could I not, he was screaming and crying at the same time.  NOOO, I DON'T WANNA!  I looked in the child's direction, everyone was, I decided he wasn't in any real danger.  His mother was just doing her job, she was encouraging her small boy of about 2 to 3 years old to walk on his own down the hall to the doctors office.  Not really a crime, but evidently it was a heart breaking decision in her toddlers eyes. He was scared and wanted to be carried. He kept grabbing at her legs, and screaming.  She patiently kept walking, kept talking calmly to him, letting him know that he could, in fact, use his strong capable legs to move his little body without her. He was persistent, I'll give him that.  But.... she was too.  Gently, but firmly guiding her son to do it on his own.  

After I seen this episode, I was proud of her.  Then I had an AH-HA moment!

We the children of God often act like the toddler, we fear the the unknown. To subdue the fear, we want to be carried by God though it. We pray,  bargain, and beg the Lord to bring us through our trials, and tribulations.  These things He has designed to strengthen our souls, and our relationship with Him.  We, like the toddler, cry and fight having to do this on our own.  

Again we, like the toddler, would have gotten to the destination sooner if we didn't fight it.  We will get to the destination whether we want to or not, and we waste a lot of time and energy by not trusting the Lord.

The Lord, like the mother, is determined to make us walk it on our own.  So that we may learn and grow strong by doing it ourselves.  Facing the fear and finding that when we trust Him, we find that the path was not as dangerous as we imagined, and the Lord will protect and guide us... just like the mother helping her son down the hall.

Praise Be to God!

Smiling Hearts

My hubby bought a snowmobile early last summer.  The motor was blown up.  I remember looking at it thinking that it will never get fixed.  It sat and sat, never got touched until a month ago.  We worked together to find a mechanic who would do the work for us.  This man was great, he was knowagable, and seemed trustworthy.  We could not have been happier with this gentleman!  My hubby and I picked up our new snowmobile last night, and went for the maiden voyage.  What a joy to see the dimples on my honeys cheeks, he smiled and laughed like a kid.  It was my 2nd time ever on one of these snow machines, and I will definately put this out there as a great memory.  We started out slow, made our way across the field, and found some snow drifts, he bumped us along the fence line, trying to jump the machine.  I was in heaven!When we went home, he took each kid for a ride, and all came back excited as us.  Our 7 year old girl was definately the thrill seeker, begging to go for a second ride.  I was coaxed into bringing her out.  We blazed the perimeter of the field at a whopping 20 miles an hour, but it sure felt faster!  When we got back, my Evil Knievel husband took me out for one last ride, went went off a hill that sent us into the air!  I screamed and he laughed,  turned and looked at me and laughed some more.  "O.K, maybe we won't do that jump again", he said sheepishly, still grinning at me.  I laughed, and off we went into the night. 
I think I'm in love.

I just need help.

I pray....
I talk....
I act...
My heart is broke.
My mind is full.
My children deserve better.
Why, cant we do better?
Stuck in a rut, and I want out.
I choose life, and all that a marriage has the potential to be.

How Did I Get Here?

I know, Im not the greatest of blog people, not nearly as dedicated to writing as I am to reading my favorite bloggers.  I love how connected I feel to them.  They dont know me as well.  I guess I would be called a "lurker", that is the bloggers name for people who follow blogs but dont comment.  I at least officially follow them.  :-)  I want to post daily like I used to, but to be honest, my heart isn't in it like it used to be.  Life went from having a purpose to .............   What?
 My quit smoking journey turned my marriage up side down.  We already had our problems.  What marriage doesn't.  Now we dont even live together. Sad. We try to spend time as a family to try to work things out.  The kids suffer.  We suffer.  I can see my faults, I can see his.  I can see "A" solution, not necessarily "The" solution.   Be nice.  Is that so hard?  One wouldn't think so, but I see it is more difficult than it should be.  Why is it so hard to move on?  I can see us together, happy in the future.  I would love that.  But I see it may be a far fetched one.  
Being nice, is my daily goal, even when others are not nice to me.  Be me.  My advice to you, love your spouse, even when they are unlovable.  Until the next time, may God watch over you, and bless you.
Take care of your family.  Each and every one is precious.

Blessings

After writing Soul Searching, I decided that there had to be a way to work on correcting my overly critical behavior.  After extensive research, ;-) I stumbled upon a beginning to a solution.  (It amazes me how God leads you to his path when you need him.)    That answer is blessings...  I don't remember the last time that I actually thanked people for things they have said, done, or experienced with or for me.  I tell God, but not the person.  For me, I am more thankful for people in my life than anything else.  Yes, I appreciate my house, my food, my job, my van.  The only person I can thank for those things, other than God, is my husband.  My life wouldn't be as easy, if not for my honey or God.  But I'm not looking for "things or possessions to be thankful for.  I'm looking for daily things I take for granted, like watching my kids, the work my kids put into the house.  People bringing my kids places, because I cant be there.  Friends who answer the phone when I need them to.  People who are there for me, really there, every time.  It  is time that I give them notice, and appreciation.  The thought is that if I take time to see how blessed I am, I will have less to be critical of.  So here's to seeing the glass half full, and a few quotes to leave you inspired.

For today and its blessings, I owe the world an attitude of gratitude.

~Unknown

 You can not control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change, rather than allowing it to master you.

~Brian Tracy

The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.

~Unknown

Starting today my philosophy is to be kind to those you love, don't forget to say thank you and I love you.    Now I have a few cards to write, address, put a stamp on, and deliver to the mailbox.  Cards are nice, I think that we all miss receiving mail that is pleasure-able instead of bills and spam.  My thanks is delivered with a smiling heart, knowing that the receiver will smile in their hearts.  How about you, what are you thankful for?  When was the last time you received a card in the mail?  Did it make your heart smile?  Leave me a  comment, I would love to hear about it!

~Cindy

Soul Searching

Life has a way of catching you off guard.  I am often blind sighted by lifes events, spun around and left in a daze that honestly leave me saying "What the heck happend?" for days.   I have spent the last week doing some real soul searching and internet surfing, to find out how I miss warning signs from others.  I can honestly tell you that  I don't really like the answer.  I'm in denial.  I'm getting to the part of acceptance, because I really want to fix this... errr... problem of mine.  I'm still doing research.  But what I found out is that I have control problem, stemed from my anxiety and inner self doubt. (What self doubt?)
The part of me that says "I am WOMAN, hear me ROAR!" just rolls her eyes, and says "Yeah, right."  However,  the part of me that is filled with self doubt, she goes "Am I?"  So, I am going to try to not let my doubt in, I am going to try to recongize things that are out of my control.   At least make a consicous effort too.  My dad always told me to give things to God, and when I do, I have to leave it up to him.  No passing papers, as he puts it.  Once a problem has been submitted to God, it can not be taken back.  (Whew, deep breath)  Smell the flowers, blow out the candles.
I am only human, and I will try to do my best.  I can lower my expectations of others, they may be too high. 

Packers, Picnics, and Tourneys

Anyone catch the Pack Thurs. night?  I listened in the car, then watched until the beginning of the 3rd.  That was enough, I had to be up early..  Darn it, it is just Pre Season,  I hope they get their bearings soon.  That was hard to endure.  Lets just hope they get the losing outta their system!  :-)

Went to a Customer Appreciation,  it rained,  downpoured actually.  That didn't stop the kids from playing though. they were determined to get their prizes.  I wonder were they get that competitive spirit???  Hmm,  IDK, I will have to think on that.

I got invited to play softball for a team that needed an extra for tournaments this weekend.  I looked at my leg, and thought, ahhh why not.  I just found out Tues. that I bruised my thigh bone and shin bone (love the technicals!) doing a flying snap kick.  A FLYING WHAT!  You heard me,  a flying snap kick,  it looks a lot like the Karate Kids winning move in the first movie.  You know the one he practiced for on the posts, then with a broken leg, still manages to pull it off.... He is way cooler than me, because with two good legs, I still landed wrong.  No, it wasn't the first time I did it either.  But I promise, it will be the last. (ahem... maybe)  Did I mention I tore a part of my ACL too?  But that's OK, I will still play ball!  Doc said I can play sports, as long as I wear my brace, and only play at 80%.  Sweeeeeet! I'll take it! (Just for the record I did check things out on the Internet to make sure I heard him right.)  You can read about it here.
So back to the game.  I get there, I'm nervous, my blood is just pumping though my veins like a freight train.  I watch everyone hitting the ball, cool, I got this, I say.  I walk up to the plate, take a deep cleansing breathe, and wait.  The pitcher throws, the ball is way high, and drops on the plate, STRIKE!  What the hell was THAT, I think.  Deep breath, dig in my cleats, ball comes in high, drops in the dirt in front of the plate,  GOOD EYE, they all yell.  Roll the bat, breathe, dig the cleats, ball comes in high, I watch and swing as it comes down.....
I missed. STRIKE!
Damn!
"That's it" my cousin says.
"I got one more" I say.
"No, 2 strikes, 3 balls in this league"  he replies
My heart hits the dirt, this is harder that I thought it was gonna be.  The rest of the game played that way.  At least I knew I only had 2 chances this time.  I played like a newbie.  Guess I was.
During our wait for the second game, our pitcher took pity on me, and gave me some practice and tips.  I gave it a good effort. (I know because I pulled the muscles in my right ribs for my effort!)
What a good guy, he deserved a Leininkugals for that!  I made sure to get him one, wanted to give him a hug too, but that would be....  well.....weird.
Our second game, I hit the ball a total of 4 times that I was at bat.  2 times I never made it to first, then I was out on the way to 2nd, and the 4th at bat, I made it to second, but our inning ended. I got one out too!  I'm hoping to make it home tomorrow,  WISH me luck and don't forget to pray for the teams and my health,  especially my ribs and knee!

Packers, kids, and tourneys  barely know when the right time to quit is.  Here's to all you who like to play, no matter the odds, weather or injuries.
KEEP ON, KEEPING ON!

Under Construction

Well, I am one month away from being 2 years smoke-free.  It has been anything but a picnic.  Do I regret it?  Most certainly not! I have decided that this blog is seriously outdated.  I will be reconstructing it to fit my new needs.  The battle is no longer about fighting nicotine fits, it will be about eating clean, exercising, and of course family and spiritual outlooks.  I will be introducing you to my new online inspirations, some you may already know, they are still wonderful and uplifting writers that I thoroughly enjoy.  In the mean time I am going to be posting about daily goals, to get me on track.  I have already started "dipping my big toe in the water", by doing the Mayo Clinic Diet.  I have also been testing recipes from The Gracious Pantry, of which I have yet to find one I do not like!  :-)  I have continued my Kyuki-Do, and will be earning my blue belt on Aug. 30, 2012.  I must admit that it has taken me a lot longer to get to, than I had envisioned.  I believed that I would have a black belt in 2 to 3 years.  It has been almost 2 years since I started and am only getting to the 6th belt now.  Guess I needed more growing than previously thought! LOL.
My exercise guru will be Fit Mama, I have been checking this girl out for a few weeks, and I absolutely love her!  She is a motivator, up lifter, and a no B.S. girl.  I can totally respect that.
So this is the beginning of my plan to get back on track.  The fun-loving, no pity, no depression, happy me!  So this site is under construction to reflect new purpose and direction.

See you tomorrow!

Heading South

Life is full of ups and downs, lately I haven't blogged because, I felt that the drama was to much to share.  I have spoke of my depression, and that I'm trying to get a handle on things.  I recently had surgery to take care of my shoulder problem, and it seems to be helping.  I'm back in Martial Arts, and that too makes me happy.  I quit taking my pills for a bit and found myself sliding back into the abyss, it's not right to have to take pills so that you can enjoy your family.  Sad really. 
On a brighter note, my hubby and I decided to take our kids to Disney World for the first time.  The oldest are still young enough to enjoy it and youngest are old enough to remember it.  That seems like a good way to start out the year right?  Last weekend we took them to Monster Jam in the Metro dome in Minneapolis.  What a hoot!  We got to see Grave Digger the Monster Jam Icon, and I became a fan of El Toro Loco, who I might add has a woman for a driver!  How cool is that?!  Oh and did I mention that we will be driving to D.W.?  It is an estimated 24 to 26 hour drive straight through.  Crazy.... Maybe, but we will spend $500 in gas instead of $2000+ in air fare (and our kids wont be molested by TSA agents either).  So hopefully all goes well this upcoming week. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and trusting in the Lord for a safe drive to and from Florida!  How about you? Doing any fun family events this year? If so please comment and share!  Thank you and God Bless :-)
~Cindy

Miss Maddy

Always in the Tub!

I found my baby on Craigslist, she was going to be in town for the weekend,  then gone forever.   I had to jump and meet her.  I called the number and set up a meeting place.  God had answered my prayers.  He found us a great dog and got her a ride to us.... all the way from Texas!  A truck driver found her starving, dehydrated and full of fleas at a steel plant in Texas.  He felt bad for her, no one had any objections to him taking her, so he fed her, watered her, gave her 3 flea baths, and posted her to Craigslist where I found her.  He couldn't keep her, but he was certainly not going to leave her there!   When I called, I had a few tests to pass.  I had to have a house in the country, (check!)  I had to have kids, (check)  I had to promise to love and take care of her.  (Check and Check!)  When I brought the kids to meet her, it was love at first sight!  She loved them and they loved her.  We couldn't wait to take her home, I felt bad for her Hero truck driver,  having to lose his companion for the past 3 days.  He said he was okay, he knew she would be happy.  He was right, everyday she greats us all happily.  We look forward to her, she pounces like a cat!   She is also a very dirty dog, she loves to roll in things better left unmentioned,  needless to say she takes alot of baths!  We love her though, one little quirk for all the love and joy we get from her!!  She is a blessing, smart puppy, she learns very fast.  I also think she smiles when I scratch her behind the ears, she likes that best.  My favorite thing she does, is definitely when she gets low like a tiger on the plains of Africa,  stalks her prey (my kids), as they come across the lawn, she lays low, slowly moving in on them, as they come around the bend she pounces!  Back packs and lunch boxes go flying, screams can be heard for miles.  MADDY! NO!!!  I watch from the window, I laugh, tears coming from my eyes,  she strikes again!  That just never gets old.  They will never learn, she ALWAYS strikes in the valley.  It's the low point, they can't see her. :)

How about you, does your dog have quirks, do they antagonize your family, do you find the humor in it?

The Cross We Bear

The cross we bear is all to often for our benefit, and sometimes for that of someone else.  In that way our cross is a blessing, because is saves others from suffering, it is enough for them to experience it through us.  Much like Christ suffered for us.  We reap the benefits with out having to go through what He did.  I have had the honor of recently suffered and had 2 loved ones tell me how they have benefited from it.

But penance need not be paid in suffering...It can be paid in forward motion. Correcting the mistake is a positive move, a nurturing move.

Barbara Hall, A Summons to New Orleans, 2000

In the first week of "remission" (I'm using this for a lack of a better word) of battling depression and an unstable home turning to anti depressants and family therapy for a solution.   A loved one told me that her husband was more attentive to her and her needs after hearing and seeing my ordeal with my beloved husband.   I could only smile thru the tears and tell her that I was happy that my misery inadvertently brought her happiness.  I was genuinely sincere in that statement.  Her happiness became mine.

Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.

Helen Keller
US blind & deaf educator (1880 - 1968)

Another friend told me recently, that my courage to go seek help from a professional to help me pave my way toward happiness encouraged her to do the same.  After one night she feels the weight of burden relieved from her shoulders.  Again  I said the same.  I am happy for her happiness.
Only God knows why He does the things He does, it is our job to live through them and find the meaning for us.  Obviously I was meant to learn and remind others of things they have already learned.  I am finding me again, and if others find themselves in the process, so much the better!

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.

Helen Keller
US blind & deaf educator (1880 - 1968)

How about you?  Has Jesus brought you to your knees and helped you learn and be humbled?  I thank Him for His wisdom and for bringing me through this process so that I may be a better wife and mother.

Not Certifiably So.

OK, I can do this.  Yes, this has been a Very difficult time.  We are up, we are down,  the roller coaster of life has apparently got me worse than I knew.  After too much hell, I have been made aware that it was time I seek help.  Not only for my benefit, but that of my children.  And hopefully that of my husband.  I'm not sure that I should be putting this out there, but this is my blog and I started this to help with the nic fits and crappiness of quitting.   So with that the confession begins.  How I got to this point.

Job stress +  financial stress + family stress + quitting smoking cold turkey x 12+ months brewing time = severe anxiety, depression, panic attacks, hot flashes, anger/irritability, mood swings, etc.

Huh... Who knew!  Well,  now what?   According to the good doc, she wants to know if she can put me on nicotine replacement.........(crickets chirping)...............(yet more crickets)...............
You have GOT to be kidding me!  (did I mention mood swings?)  I did Not make it this long for you to put nicotine back into my system.  No way, No how, Not Happening!! (insert frustrated crying) 
Would you mind going on some medication?  (Deep breath, panic attack....Breathe!)
UHHH, don't you think I already have an issue with addiction?  I really cant take any more battles.
(Patronizing smile) Cindy, you can't get addicted to this, you can only feel normal.  Would you like to feel normal again? 
Does a fish like to swim?  Hell Yes!  But honestly Doc, this pill thing makes me nervous. 
It will take 2 to 3 weeks to take effect, come see me then.
Breathe...Deeper.....Release. 
OK, fine.  (I can do this.... I think)

Being Smoke free

Hello....HELLO.....I'm sorry I have Severely neglected this blog,  if you can here me out there in the blogosphere, I Am Sorry.   Life has been throwing me fast curve balls and I can not keep up!  All excuses are of course unexpected, I understand, but... well... then.. moving on.

I am going to tell you the positives, starting with my biggest accomplishment: One Entire Year Smoke Free!
yes, I did it!  Officially I am 369 days smoke free!  Not too shabby, if I do say so myself.   I survived mostly because I am just a stubborn woman   determined individual who has a goal to accomplish.  I have many family and friends to thank for helping me make it, also to my fellow bloggers because reading your blogs of daily struggles and survivals were a huge part of my success in the beginning.  I would read your blogs instead of going outside to smoke, it changed my routine.  A HUGE thanks to Kari, Mark, Misha, and Big Momma!!  Thanks for keeping me occupied with your witty insight in your areas of expertise :)

I want to also say that I got a new puppy in Aug. and will tell you that story in another post to follow soon with pics! She's perfect as she can be ;) 
Hope to see you all again soon, 
~Cindy

Lazy Day of Play

It was a hot weekend in this part of the country, hot enough to spend a day on the river, a lazy day if you will.   We decided to allow for everything.  We brought the boat, suits, poles and even the grill.  A better day could not have been planned.  The family decided to start the day out with a ride up river to the dam and we would journey back down during the course of our day.  It was beautiful, the river was high enough that we didn't see the rocks that fill the river, making it treacherous for anyone with a boat that sits more than a foot in the water.  Not a problem for us though we only need a 2 inches of water once we are planed out!  (Insert super big smile)  Sure do love being on the air boat, and I know the kids do too!  We flew up river chasing an Eagle a  head of us.  It was majestic soaring above the trees, like it was our escort.  Freedom, heart and soul Freedom.  I can't explain it any better than that.
We get up to the Chippewa Dam and there is people on the banks everywhere, it was WI Free Fishing Day.  Everybody was trying for a fish without having to buy a licence, a big day in the state.  We dropped anchor just before the rapids, and proceeded to set up poles for kids.  My honey got little 5 year old Emma's out first, gave her instructions and proceeds on with his own pole.  I had set up my boys and was working on my own when Em says "my pole is wiggling". 
"No, its fine honey"  I reply thinking the current is playing tricks on her.
A little while later she says "Mom, my pole is really wiggling!"
"It's fine honey",  I say as I set the weights on my line.
Next thing I know she's squealing, her pole's drag is screaming as the line is being pulled out and a bass is jumping out of the water trying to spit out the hook! 
"REEL IT IN!"  My husband and I yell, both of us dropping our gear to assist her.  She got a little scared when she seen the fish and wanted to throw the pole into the river,  she wanted no part of the fish on the end of her line, I could see it in her face.  My honey took the pole, and we continued to talk her into it.  "Em, you can do this, it'll be the biggest you ever caught, maybe the biggest of all the kids".  Everyone now nodding and coaxing her back to taking the pink Barbie pole. 
With a reluctant pole handling girl, we continued to talk her though it.  "Reel, pull up, down and reel, hold, bring it up, play it out, down and reel..."  The whole time that Barbie pole is a screaming for  mercy, the fish is trying to jump and spit it.  She did great, she played him out like a Pro!  My honey picked the fish out of the river to show Emily, poor girl backed right up to the edge of the boat.  We all congratulated her as my honey measured it.  14 1/4 inch long.  We talked her into taking a pic if Daddy held it for her.  That's my girl,  anything for a picture!

Sorry I couldn't figure out how to rotate the pic.

Not a bad fish at all!

Not a bad start to the day if I do say so myself, the rest of the day was pleasant.  Two more bass made it in the boat, not too bad.  :)

Game On!

Life is all about ball.  We win some, we lose some, sometimes your forced to be even Steven!  We can't always be winners, we have to lose gracefully.   My daughter is on a 2 game losing streak, she's taking it pretty well.  I let her choose, ice cream or smores.  She chose unlimited smores.  I think she ate 4!  Well if it makes life a little sweeter, why not?   Meanwhile, I am a calorie counting fool trying to obtain my prequit weight. 
My older boy, got a home run inside the fence.  Its worth $10 according to negotiations over the weekend.  You see over the fence is worth $20, in the grass (no dirt) is a $1.  All 4 kids are in this program, (family sponsored) my t-ballers negotiated a .25 cent  rule for balls that end in the grass but traveled through the dirt.  Fair is fair I guess.  I'm not sure if I am schooling them to be ball players or lawyers?  Both are over paid and usually love how they make their livings.  It works I guess.  :)
My t-ballers are so far no losses and one forced tie due to game time restrictions.  They seem to be happy with themselves, and OK with no ice cream so far in the season.  Ice cream is only for losers during baseball season.  Thank goodness older siblings got some losses or we would all go through withdrawals!  (Insert laughter!) 
On that note, I am proud to tell you all that I lost 10 pounds since I last posted :)  Calorie counting is easier than ever with My Fitness Pal.  I also walk 3 to 4 days a week with my neighbors and friends, awfully nice of them to encourage me!  I don't think I would be a consistent walker if I didn't have them to talk to.
So as I was saying, life is all about ball, some wins (still quit), some losses (10 lbs) some even Steven (I'm still me!)  Game on my friends, Game On!

Where Does the Time Go?

OK, not the best blogging person lately.  We have a full, busy season in the spring, in addition to Kyuki Do, we also have baseball, softball, t-ball and not to forget Crappies are spawning this time of year.  Sat. May 7th is our official fishing season opener!  So when I'm not on the mat, at a baseball diamond, you can find me on any river in the Chippewa Valley.  (Smile)

I am also 8 months quit and 30 pounds heavier.  I was supposed to not gain more than 10 lbs.  What happened?  I suspect it has a lot to do with my inability to say NO to more than one crutch at a time.  Can't smoke so Hey how bout a Latte?  A piece of chocolate, or two, or three.....  I did manage to give up soda.  (small victory)  I chew alot of gum.  The dentist has requested that I only chew Trident, save my teeth some agony.  BTW I have two... yes two cavities starting to form.  I am beginning to believe that I am suffering more than I wanted to for not smoking in 8 months.  At what point does obesity become an issue and Doctors wish I would be a smoker and not overweight?  I am still a risk for cancer, but now I'm sure other factors are keying in.  Like am I now in line for diabetes, heart problems?  I don't know, but I bet Docs still prefer me as a non smoker.  I have been told that quitting smoking has adverse effects on my metabolism.  Well, thanks a lot I would have loved to known that little detail, before I quit.  I would have liked to know that I would end up depressed due to the fact that none of my clothes fit me.
Hmmm.... guess I will have to go Shoppin! (I feel better already.)
I have a ton of excuses, little self control, (at least for food) and what feels like high blood pressure.  I actually have great blood pressure, but it takes very little to make blood pound through my body like a freight train late for its destination.  I really believed that this was going to get easier, that I would slip into the non smoking crowd easily.  It's not that way, I am in limbo. I am in a hard spot and I can't wait until this is as easy as breathing.  Until then, I pray for peaceful and tranquil thoughts.

Goodbye Our Best Friend

Rest In Peace Sandy
Nov. 2008 to March 2011

It is a sad day in our household, we lost our best friend, she was truly the happiest member of our family.  She was always happy to please, loved to wrestle, she would talk to you when she thought you needed to hear her.  When she was upset she would dig holes outside my window.  (She believed in the "pay back policy".)  (LOL)   She would shiver when she was excited, and when she greeted you home, her butt would wag so hard, you would think that her butt would come and hit her in the head!  She loved to go for rides with the family or just Dad.  Sandy was the best home defender a family could ask for, not only would she warn us of visitors, day or night, she also killed mice, gophers, and tried for birds.  No animal could cross the property without her permission.  She was a very curious, and happy puppy.  We miss her greatly.

Priorities

A look into the news and life as we know it looks near apocalyptic.  Japan has lost citizens, many family members are deceased or missing.  Sad.  Locally there has been loss of lives due to accidents.  Sad.  My heart really goes out to the 9 year old boy who got off his school bus and a 16 year old ran him over.  Hes in critical care.  A 12 year old was riding with his parent when a car crossed the center line and claimed the life of his parents.  Hes in critical care.  A 7th grade boy in my daughters school decided to take his own life, leaving friends and family wondering.  Why?
 Of course there is the WI battle for and against Gov. Walker.  Oil Prices on the rise, should we or shouldn't we tap into the national oil reserves.  Those are just a few stories in the news locally and nationally.

I wanted to write a post on addiction, ask for you to email me with a story of your own about addiction.  Be it chocolate, food, smoking, whatever you are or were addicted to. 

That was difficult because I realized that there were other things on my mind that seemed so much more important.  There are people who are not going to hold a loved one anymore.  That are fighting for their lives,  when and if they win that battle, are going to find life much more difficult than they remembered.  A new cross to bear.  My heart is in anguish for these people hurting from heartbreaking loss.  Today ran into a friend who lost his baby a little while back,  I can not begin to comprehend that pain, nor do I want to.  My priority today is to hold my "babies", tell them that I love them, and pray to God to ease the pain of those suffering because He called several souls home.

Lord we are in your mercy, and know not why you do the things you do.  Thank you for the days we have together on earth.  In your mercy I pray, Amen.

Chain of Inspiration

I want to start off this post telling you how much I enjoy winter.  I keep reading posts about people being sick of winter on facebook and from fellow bloggers.  I have to admit that every year I ask God for more snow than the previous year.  One draughted winter we were just building our garage and didn't have doors on it yet.  We put up tarps to cover the massive holes where our future doors were to be.  Feeling a little miffed about the lack of snow I pleaded to God on the biggest tarp I spray painted it.  "Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Please God Let It Snow!"  We got some snow, the most of it in March.  At the beginning of this season I implored him as usual to make it the snowiest yet.  This year my wonderful Savior has provided in an abundance, across the country to make sure I knew he had heard me!

Yesterday I went to church, only because my oldest had to acolyte. (Sad, but true)  My two youngest were dying to sit in the balcony, so up we went.  They were quiet, I could hear the sermon.  Notice the shock.  It was a good one too, he didn't make me feel guilty.  He just told us about having Christ hear us.  He did a spin on "The Cloud" commercials.  It was a well timed talk, I needed to hear what was said in church, as to that I think that my Lord has spoken thru a vessel.  Lord, I want you to know that I heard you!  Thank you as always for your guidance in my life.  See you for Ash Wed, you know my sins, and I humbly ask for forgiveness.  In your mercy always. ~ Cindy