Its been almost a year since I've been divorced from the love of my life, it will be in November anyway. These past few years have been a walking nightmare. I wish I could say that I did it all with Grace and Wisdom. That I could say I have no regrets. But that would be a lie. I do know that I gave it my everything, I tried to save it by love, I forgave, turned the other cheek, made amends, gently tried to bring him back to the love we started with. That didn't work. I tried with fighting, I yelled, screaming profanities, called him names, pushed him, choked him, threw things around the house, broke things, trying to get him to wake up. That didn't work. I tried counseling, I went for 6 months, he showed up twice, both times I was so hurt and angry, I wouldn't work through anything. I was my own enemy there. That didn't work. I soon lost trust in him, and doing crazy things like checking his phone, driving around town looking for his truck. He became better at hiding. That didn't work. I divorced him finally, having lost me, he would see how much he loved me. He did come back, he said everything I needed and wanted to hear. He went back to doing the things that were not family friendly. That didn't work. I now know that the man I knew, so completely, has changed. He has been a stranger in my midst for years, and I couldn't keep him. I certainly couldn't help him. For the majority of my life, I wanted him. Being a little girl chasing down that handsome older boy, I was always smitten. Who knew things would turn out this way. I wish I could say that I wish him all the happiness in the world, but I'm not there yet in my recovery. I still want him alive, I would like him to understand the loss he's delivered to his family. That we no longer have the man in our house leading us. That as a family, we were great. The children and I are still great, but I have big shoes to fill, and I don't always do it so well on my own. In all that history, I lost hope. I even told my Pastor that hope was useless, you can hope all you want, but it leads to disappointment.
Almost a year later, I see that I will be fine, I will make amends... eventually. I thank God for the people He has put in my life to help me cope, for my Al Anon group, my church, my Kyuki Do family, and most often I thank Him for my wonderful children. My hope, my future is with them.
